StoryRhyme After Dark: Goodbye Charlie Sparkler Commercial

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Goodbye Charlie Sparkler Commercial
By Harry Buschman

“Let’s take time out for a minute while we change reels for the second half of our Saturday night movie, The Incredible Shrinking Man.”

“We have a special offer for you folks tonight. You don’t see a product like this every day, let alone get a chance to buy one. But for two weeks only we are offering these pre-owned electric chairs. Operators are standing by for the next fifteen minutes! So call 1-800-565-0894! You may never get a chance to own a working electric chair again.”

"That’s 1-800-555-0894.

“These are not cheap roadside antique hot seats folks. These are the heavy duty high octane ‘eee-lektriks’, every last one of ‘em with a jailhouse history. This beauty you see here in solid oak comes from the Florida State Penitentiary and autographed personally by Warden D.C. Jolts!”

“It’s a sad fact of life that we don’t fry people like we used to in the US of A. Now all we get is lethal injections––so let’s get back to basics, folks. You can own your own Goodbye Charlie Sparkler Electric Chair. The number to call is 1-800-555-0894.

"Can’t you see yourself in this historic beauty watching television in your living room, or maybe sitting on the front porch tilted back with your feet up on the railing––sitting there waiting for the mailman?”

“1-800-555-0894. Operators are standing by.

"For only three payments of $39.95 each, this solid oak electric chair with original steerhide shackles for head, arms and ankles and heavy duty copper electrodes will be rushed to you. For the first 50 callers the Goodbye Charlie Sparkler will include a black canvas drawstring hood.”

“Don’t forget folks, this historic offering is fully operational yet almost entirely harmless. Goodbye Charlie Sparkler comes with a step-down transformer to bring the voltage down from 2200 to 110. It is no more lethal than sticking your finger in a light socket. Invigorating and recommended by the American Medical Association for sluggish elimination. If your sex life has you on edge, if you can’t sleep at night for fear of what’s coming tomorrow, Goodbye Charlie Sparkler will give you a leg up on the competition.”

“1-800-565-0894. Operators are standing by.

“Let’s bring in Maudie Bellringer from Richmond, Indiana––Maudie how do you like your new Goodbye Charlie Sparkler?”

“Oh, I can’t tell how much I love my Goodbye Charlie Sparkler. My George had no life in him at all. He’d come home from his job at the bottling plant all tuckered out. Couldn’t hardly finish his supper, he’d plunk himself down on the sofa and be out like a light before Hollywood Squares came on.”

“Then what, Mrs. Bellringer?”

“Well I called 1-800-555-0894, and just like you said, there was an operator standing by waitin’ fer my call, and I ordered me up an ebony Goodbye Charlie Sparkler, the same one they used to fry that Bruno Hauptman fella. It came in no time at all and I set it up in front of the TV. Well anyways, George plunked himself down in it and I plugged it in. Well! You never seen a man come alive so fast in all your born days. He’s been a new man ever since! Sexy? I’ll say ... scandalous. All charged up I guess.”

“Thanks a lot, Maudie Bellringer for that great endorsement. And that’s why you folks out there in TV land should call Goodbye Charlie Sparkler right now. You could be revitalizing your man too. Call 1-800-555-0894––operators are standing by to take your call.”

"... and now back to "The Incredible Shrinking Man."

(c) 2012/13 Harry Buschman
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